Crafting of a Soul

The sensation of my heart at this moment is completely inexplicable; however, a few adjectives may suffice: full, peaceful, excited, nervous, nostalgic and free...my heart has been filled with the kind of peace for which I have always longed, and because of God's great love, I am now able to accomplish a dream I have had since age 4 of living abroad.

When I look back on where I came from, on where I was a year before this, I can hardly believe I made it to this point. My heart and soul were in crumbles. After the death of my dad, the multiple heartbreaks (unworthy of my mentioning) that ensued, the rape, the further heartbreak and numbness that followed and the abandonment of my closest friends I then also had to deal with the harsh realization that my pure selfless qualities were quickly leading to my destruction. My finances were in shambles (from giving too much...honestly) and however untrue, I felt as if I had no real friends to turn to. This was perhaps because I had been abandoned so much so quickly and perhaps because I did not want to burden anyone with the unbearable weight which I was carrying. I felt as if I had been an abnormally gracious giver and lover my whole life and that God must be punishing me for the few mistakes I had consciously made.

There was a point in October of 2008 where I sickly realized that for the first time I understood why some people opt to opt out of life and just throw in the towel then pick it back up, tie it around their necks and end it. As cliché/emo as this sounds, I felt truly hollow. I often looked at myself in the mirror and wondered where the real me had run off to, yet was so emotionless (or too overwhelmed with emotion?) to go venture and find myself. I would wake up in the middle of the day with my head under the covers and no desire to get out of bed. What was wrong with me? For years I was an over-involved straight-A student, and yet, at this point, nothing seemed to matter. Nothing had purpose. You wake up, you eat, you sleep, you die. There seemed no point to love, it always left you giving too much and receiving nothing but a humiliating pile of crap at your door. Yet love was all I craved. I searched. My friends failed. My money failed. My family even failed. As much as I love all these people, none of them offered the unconditional merciful love which I needed.

Because I am no longer this girl, I will openly admit to the fact that I was smoking and drinking and doing whatever I could to escape from the harsh reality that was my life. I went to the Bible study I joined my first semester of college because I loved the girls and I also wanted to appease my mother and let her and the rest of the world think I was ok—that I was the normal Erika from before Mexico. I even slowly stopped going to my Bible study as my depression began to overtake me completely. One Monday evening when I was going to smoke and watch some crappy TV and try to find something to laugh at, I was phoned by multiple girls in my Bible study asking if I was coming that night...I was secretly a bit annoyed, yet felt some obligation to attend. I went. I just remember the extreme amount of care in my two friend's eyes as they looked at me and asked me how I was. "Oh, I'm fine!" But they wanted to know how I really was...something inside them told them I was anything but fine, and when they tactfully divulged this information to me, my immediate thought was, "Crap. I don't want to unload all this crap on anyone. I'm just going to have to make up some stupid crappy sappy Christian story about how I was hurting and then God came to the rescue and now I'm just fine and dandy...whatever.." So, I started my interweaving of truth and deceit, yet, in the end, the truth of my pain began to flow out of my inner soul and from the deepest depths of my heart.

Tears—real, genuine tears—flowed from my eyes, I tell you, I was practically hyperventilating. I was embarrassed, I'd never learned to cry, especially in front of PEOPLE! I was showing weakness, and it was incredibly scary, but I felt safe and something in me proved it necessary to let it out. And these girls were there, and God, whom I had grown to hate, still proved to love me, even in my depressing mess of rebellion. I went home that night and for the first time in years I sat in my room and I wept, I practically screamed. I had emotions pent up from the time I was 12 years old that I had never let out, and I finally did. And I did what any normal girl in my situation would do...write a letter to the big G. I told him I was angry. I said I was sorry. I said I felt hated. I said I was sick of doing things my own way and that if he were really up there and really existed and really loved me, that I was ready to do things his was because obviously I was terrible at controlling my own life.

It truly worked. The next day, I woke up feeling refreshed, whole and purposeful. I spoke with my teachers, I got As in all of my classes, I began paying off my debt, I began making REAL friendships, God taught me to be more assertive and take care of myself...in the past year I have learned how to love and who to love, I have learned how to trust again and who to trust, I have gained wisdom, purity and been taught the ever-so-important lesson of humility. I have purpose, I am happy, and because I have learned to be faithful to my "unseen god" I have been blessed beyond belief.

I have the kinds of friendships you read about or see in fantastic movies. I made three very best friends in the past year, and if you are one of them, you know who you are, and I do not know what I would do without you, the three of you are the light of my life and the most amazing gift I've ever received in my life—and I can say that in full truth. But besides these three people, the other friends I have in my life are also so incredibly wonderful and warm and giving. I would do anything for them, and they the same for me (which I could never say in full faith about my past friends).

Now I am off to Laredo, Spain. I will be surrounded by the beautiful sea and mountains, I will be close to all of the amazing international friends I have made, I will be experiencing a laid-back and colorful culture of which I have always dreamed. I will have time for myself! I will have time to read and write and sing and dance and take hikes and best of all, to let God change me even more. To have my heart and soul purified and draw closer to his heart. If you have read this far, I hope you would continue to stay updated on my life via this blog and in whatever other means you would like.

Ven conmigooo as I delve into the depths of my beloved Europe! :)